Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I Miss You

Yesterday as I lay on the table waiting for the technician to wrap my legs up in air compression "gizmos", I thought of you.

Many years have already passed since you left us for your immortal home. I think about you often but mostly now instead of grief and sadness, I thank God you are no longer here to suffer and that you aren't in pain anymore.

But now and then I think of you and I miss you. Like now. I'm alone in this room and in these rare moments of time where I just lie and try to relax, thoughts come to me unbidden. I've made a point in these moments to thank God and to praise him for everything he has done for me; for the life he has given me, for the way he has sustained me, for the joys and the tribulations, and even for my body which despite it's problems, he has given me. I'm learning to be thankful for everything. But sometimes, other thoughts do come in.  I've had a lot of time over the past month to just lie down several times a week for an hour at a time each time I get a leg treatment.  It is at these times that I think deep thoughts about many things. Yesterday I thought of you.

I thought of your daughter who has done so well despite her missing you. I tell her how much you love her and how you look down on her from Heaven. It brings her so much comfort when I say 'mommy is in Heaven and she looks down on you. She is flying around with the angels".  At that point, she always, repeats "angels?" and I say "Yes, mommy is with the angels. Some day we will see her again when we die but we have to wait. It isn't time yet." She seems to understand now. She knows you are still with us though she cannot see you. In the early years she would say "Mommy come back now." and she would cry and plead.  She thought you had been away in Heaven for too long.  It was heartbreaking to hear that. I know she is still very sad at times and I imagine that she cries at night when she is alone.  I pray for her always and show her as much love and fun as possible. We all do our parts to try and bring joy to her and keep her spirits uplifted and she seems to be happy and contented.

Right now she misses her one and only brother who has come here to live and go to university. She will be happy this weekend when she sees him because he is going to visit both her and "grandma". They will be so happy to see him.  You would be so proud of him. He has been working for years now in addition to going to college locally. Now he has decided to pursue a degree at university in the big city, he says he is determined to make me proud of him.  If you were here, he would tell you that he is determined to make you proud of him. He has a lot of talents that the Lord has given Him and so I pray for his success in life and for things to go smoothly despite the challenges of student life.

I started out by saying how much I miss you and then I got into telling you the news of your children.  I know how much you loved them and how concerned you were about their future. I just want you to know they are okay though they both miss you still. How can I blame them when I miss you still?

When I think about you I think about your ready smile and how your face lit up the entire room with your beautiful face and loving spirit. I realize now how patient you had to be to raise your children, especially one with special needs.  You did the best you could and for that I am so thankful and proud of you.

I miss your laugh. I miss the way we would joke about the difficulties or bad news we would get.  We knew that God would help us and sustain us and we had to hang on to that in the storms of life through mom's illness and yours.  Our Maker gave us so much laughter and joy despite our tribulations and since you are no longer here it doesn't seem like we laugh nearly as much.  I miss the way you would call mom every day and bring her joy. You would be happy to know that mom now has help and people to look after her health.  Though she (and we) had a very rough ride of things, things seem to be calmer now. She is looking forward to things again.  I miss the way you and I got so close. I miss the holiday I wanted to take you  on to Hawaii. I really wanted you to enjoy that trip and we were so, so close to going. I imagine in Heaven, the scenery and the beauty made up for not seeing Hawaii here on earth.  I miss your hugs.  Besides me, you are the only one who really gave a good hug and didn't mind a good hug.  I miss the family celebrations we were not able to have with you. We just celebrated mom's 75th with a small dinner and cake.

I want to tell you again that I love you and that the memories of your sweet presence blesses me still.  Sis, I don't feel sad about you most days because I know there is no pain, no tears, no suffering where you are. That is just so awesome. Though I tell your daughter that you are looking down on us to bring her comfort, the truth is that I do not really believe that.  If you were looking down on us you might feel the pain or involvement in this world and that is not what Heaven is. In Heaven you do not have the concerns of this world anymore and for that I can rejoice.

Photo credit: Jonah at Missions of Hope

I know we will see each other again some day after we put off these mortal bodies. I don't know just exactly how we will relate to each other in Heaven because we will all be sons and daughters of God there.  Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be glorious. God has promised a wonderful place and I believe it.  Love sis.


Lonicera said...

Wow Penny, that is so powerful, and it's made me feel so sad for you and for your sister's children. I hope I inspire a tribute half as lovely one day.

Joyful said...

Caroline, thank you for your kind words. I am feeling very weepy today after writing this. I've learned that you never fully appreciate people when they are here even if you love them lots and tell them so. When they are gone you really know what they brought to your life. It makes it ever more important to show and give love to those left behind.

Kilauea Poetry said...

Penny that was such touching share..this sounds like a fairly recent loss! She was a real hugger and I'm glad you have the laughter you shared to hold on to besides your nephew and neice. What spoke to me was the appreciating for today because as you say, one day every tear will be wiped away. I think about that sometimes (if those who've passed look down..)but that was can they if and unless I'm missing something, not be caught up in our pain? Thanks for this personal story and glad you can be here for them to remind them of those memories:)

Joyful said...

Hi Regina, thank you for encouraging my sharing of such a private matter. It isn't a recent loss but when the grief and sadness arises from time to time it is like it happened yesterday. Most of the time, I am not grieving as I said because I know the hope we have and I know she has her reward ;-)

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